Ok, so I went to my friend’s wedding today. They told me that it was a semiformal wedding. So what does one wear? None jeans and button shirt. Well I swore I wasn’t going to dress like everyone else. So Regner thought it out carefully and wore a bit of an eightiesish ensemble [totally a Mariah Carey word]. A short button shirt with vertical strips with rolled sleeves, with brown kinda baggy-cargoish pants whose ends were carefully placed inside of my colorful Pumas. You know… for an eighties effect. Tres cool, I do believe. So I arrived at the church and when I went inside everyone was all TOTALLY not SEMIFORMALLY dressed.

I was like W.T.F.

I’m talking Tuxes, big hair, the whole nine. And then there was me cowering in a corner. I sat down in the last row in the darkest corner. So no one would see me you know? And that’s when I noticed my posture. I was all leaned forward trying to be unnoticed and stuff! So I said “Regner, get your cool pose ON, you moron! Not only are you dressed like something from out of this planet, but you look uncomfortable and you KNOW that when you feel uncomfortable, you LOOK uncomfortable. GET IT TOGETHER, be cool.”

So I sat differently and counted the minutes until it was 4 pm (the time I had to head back home). And that’s when it started. My mind started to wander on the architectonic details of the church and I went crazy. I felt so uncomfortable, ugly, underdressed, and unhappy with the space. The walls were yellow and blue. WHO DECIDES that yellow and blue look pretty together. JUST because they’re complimentary colors, it doesn’t mean they look good together, thank yaw moving on.

The window frames were bright green. The chairs were forest green. Part of the ceiling was recovered with cherry colored wood. I began to wonder who designed such horrible color combinations and began to detest the house of God. I noticed the stair’s railings were HORRID. They lacked all sorts of design. The architect designed the church beautifully on the outside. But the inside space didn’t make me feel too comfortable. So people who are dressed weird, shouldn’t go to this church. The light fixtures were just plain odd. They are pretty little things with tiny bulbs… individually they are pretty little things. They were arranged in squares and triangles. Which was like ABUH WHAT. Many many things. The cross at the altar was BEAUTIFUL though. VERY beautiful. Props to its maker.

But anyway, there was no way I was going to stay at this wedding being so underdressed. Luckily I needed to leave at 4. Otherwise,I would have had to KILL myself. Semiformal has a new dress code it seems. I wonder what FORMAL is now. You’ll have to wear a Rolls Royce and a tie, I expect.

So I have all sorts of excuses for people who might wonder about the mysterious boy who sat in the dark corner. I sat in the corner because I had to leave early and didn’t want to take away attention from the important wedding ceremony we were all celebrating. I wonder if people will remember me? Well I got what I wanted. NO ONE was even close to being dressed like me. I should be more careful next time.

Oh and if anyone gets married and decides to invite me to the wedding, don’t. This was my last. I decided I will only attend mine.

As soon as I saw the little girls walking up the aisle all slow, I began thinking “WHY do they have to walk so slow? What am I going to do to make my wedding different? I don’t want them to walk slow. I know, a runway. My people will have to strut like it’s a catwalk. Heh. That’s gonna be so cool. And everyone has to be dressed funky. But what about the old people? It’ll be so hard for them to funk up. Maybe a traditional wedding’s the way to go. I wonder if the Catholic Church will accept a runway walk instead of a slow walk? I think it’s best if it’s traditional. What if I don’t get married?” And SO
ON AND SO FORTH. It was a long hour, that wedding. It was.

People are crazy.Well not so much crazy as nosy scary-ish cuz last night my friends and I headed out to Old San Juan here in Puerto Rico (all my people shout whoot whoot. ahem.) to take some pictures. And of course, we’re all just having a good time making crazy poses and BAM the security guards who patrol the streets to make our lives Oh-so more secure stop in front of us to just watch our shoot. They were all like 8 and my friends and I, of course, didn’t feel so hot anymore cuz hell these two grown up men are just staring at us while talking crap. I was like “Will they ever leave?”. And no, the answer’s no. Regner, they will not leave. So they start asking “OH are you guys models???” My friends lied and said yes.

We’re all just liars and nosy people in this island, I guess. It must be because everyone in Old San Juan is a tourist so you automatically assume you will never see these people again and you decide that you can say whatever you want. Cuz hell, it’s not gonna matter.

You know what we should have done? Take pictures of the security guards. That would have been fun. Anyway, it was kinda nice to have people admire you and stop patroling the streets just to watch you. These are important people,mind you. The streets of San Juan were less safe for about 7 minutes because our Protectors were taking a break watching me and my friend. I guess if someone got shot last night, I am to blame, no? We’ll see.

I’m Regner. I will be entertaining you with fancy expressions and surveys. Kidding.

Oz? Where have you gone?

Interesting things happen to me. Like sudden disappearances of people in my life. Like Oz.